Tuesday, October 13, 2015

The Real Reason No One Saw 'Pan'

Logo for the movie Pan:
Can you tell what it's about?
I didn't see Pan

Did you see Pan? No. You didn't. Because you, like me, didn't even know there was a movie called Pan out there. Let's talk, shall we? Let's learn about Warner Bros bombing at the box office and about movies called Pan...

Me: Have you heard of the movie 'Pan'?

You: You mean that dark otherworldly Oscar winning movie of 2006? Pan's Labyrinth** or something? Is it a follow-up to that?

No, I mean the new movie called 'Pan' that starred Hugh Jackman last weekend.

Wait- what? Hugh Jackman was in a movie this weekend??? Why didn't anyone tell me??? 

Maybe because it was a kids movie.

A movie about that dark scary world was made for kids? 

No. It was a movie about Peter Pan.

Peter Pan!?! A new Peter Pan movie!?! My kids would've loved that!!! But-- wait, why didn't anyone tell me??? 

Maybe because they didn't know it was about Peter Pan. The trailer didn't look anything like the world of Peter Pan. It was pretty dark most of the time, had a lot of different worlds, seemed really depressing, unlike most kids films, never mind a Peter Pan film. Or maybe it's just because the trailer never actually said the words "Peter" or "Pan" together. Or even the name "Peter" at all.

Huh? Why not?

Because they were too busy focusing on a young boy's sad blue eyes throughout a Dark Knight-esque trailer.

It looked like the Dark Knight? For a kids movie? Still, I wish I'd seen the trailer you're talking about. Hugh Jackman starring in a movie for my kids sounds great. I really want to know why I didn't know or hear or see anything about it?

Because Warner Bros hasn't fired somebody in marketing and production that they really, really need to fire. Like, yesterday. By the way, did you know Warner Bros is also remaking Tarzan?

No! Really? Since when?

Since five years now. They wrapped production a year ago.

Oh wow! Is it going to be really dark too?

I don't know.

Is it for kids?

I don't know.

Is it for adults?

I don't know.

Is it action and/or adventure?

I don't know, though I certainly hope so.

Is there a trailer up?


Is there a teaser up?


Is there at least a poster...?

No, no, no, no.

Oh. I guess it's not going to be released for a few years then, right?

Actually, it's coming out in 3D on Fourth of July weekend next year.

What!? Isn't that reserved for, like, major blockbusters?


And they don't have single piece of advertising available for anyone?


Oh man. Do you think I will hear more about it in time for its release?

It doesn't seem likely at this point, though our connections tell us its worthy of several numbered trailers before its release. But if they keep hiding movies like they did with Pan, which had a larger budget than Tarzan, you might only hear about it when it hits DVD.

Oh no.

Oh yes.

I don't get it.

Yeah. Neither do I.

Warner Brothers! Everybody's putting out crap movies these days. At least let us know about yours so we can go see them anyhow.


Oh Warner Bros... make a Tarzan move already. I know the Hollywood underground buzz is phenomenal regarding this project, but no one else on the planet is in on that buzz. Do us a favor and give us a graphic already. We want it and moviegoers deserve it. Help us be there when it arrives in theaters. Please, please, please. 

Wait. Am I seriously begging a movie studio to ask me to see one of their movies? Oh forget it. I'm tossing my popcorn in the trash and walking out. I'll enjoy waiting for the other studios to woo me back. Which will be in... what? .... 30 seconds? Yup. Because they know what they're doing.

Over & out,
The Hollywood Analyst

PS. It was Universal that reached me first. Ironically, it's because I looked up another Pan trailer online. Stunned was I, as a Universal Studios picture ad (Jurassic World on DVD) played before the Pan trailer.

That pretty much sums it all up, I think. Way up. If Warner Bros still hasn't figured out how to make ads for their own movies precede their own trailers by now, then their future isn't that bright. This settles it. Such a basic misfire points to one young, arrogant, inexperienced but self-proclaimed genius doing this to WB from within. And they're losing millions because of them.

And my ten bucks, too.

**Artwork for Pan's Labyrinth next to artwork for Pan. See any similarities?

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